Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on Apr 17, 2003 2:02:31 GMT -5
I Do...!! ;D
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on Apr 17, 2003 2:02:31 GMT -5
I Do...!! ;D
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 4:05:29 GMT -5
WOMEN WHO READ
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 4:05:29 GMT -5
WOMEN WHO READ
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 4:03:44 GMT -5
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Uplifting And Always Close To Our Heart!
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 4:03:44 GMT -5
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Uplifting And Always Close To Our Heart!
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 4:02:07 GMT -5
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 4:02:07 GMT -5
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 4:00:00 GMT -5
Helpful Hint #1
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Helpful Hint #2
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!
Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Helpful Hint #4
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Helpful Hint #5
An empty aluminum cigar tub filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.
Helpful Hint #6
Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink. Then run the hot water, take the washcloth and swab the sink then wring the washcloth out and hang it one the side of the sink!
Helpful Hint #7
High blood pressure sufferers simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Helpful Hint #8
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Helpful Hint #9
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 4:00:00 GMT -5
Helpful Hint #1
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Helpful Hint #2
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!
Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Helpful Hint #4
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Helpful Hint #5
An empty aluminum cigar tub filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.
Helpful Hint #6
Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink. Then run the hot water, take the washcloth and swab the sink then wring the washcloth out and hang it one the side of the sink!
Helpful Hint #7
High blood pressure sufferers simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Helpful Hint #8
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Helpful Hint #9
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 3:57:03 GMT -5
WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS...
"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Ooh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"That's women's work." Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you." Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific." Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 3:57:03 GMT -5
WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS...
"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Ooh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"That's women's work." Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you." Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific." Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 3:55:09 GMT -5
Food Joke A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 3:55:09 GMT -5
Food Joke A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"
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Aluli
New Member
Posts: 31
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Post by Aluli on May 3, 2003 3:53:38 GMT -5
;D Thanks!!!!!!
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